Last Full Day of First Grade

DuckyBoy is doing great handling the transition from first to second grade. Last year at this time he was a basket case, aggressive and sad and scared.

This year, he's been a little "off" but overall no big slip like we saw last spring.

And, he has a new friend to ease the transition: We're the summer home for Supergirl, the mommy Chinese dwarf hamster from his classroom. We got her yesterday afternoon. He wanted to have her sleep in his room last night, but since the critters are nocturla, she kept running in her wheel so he reluctantly asked me to move her back to the playroom.

When he got up this morning, he immediately moved her habitat from the cabinet to the small table in front of the couch where he sits to watch TV.

And a bit later he said, "A live hamster is more fun to watch than the TV."

And for him, that's saying something!

We --mostly he, with minor assitance from me -- changed her water and had to be stopped from cleaning and misting her habitat! (I had to explain that the mister is for cleaning, not misting her daily like we had to do for the Madagascar hissing cockroaches.)

First Grade: Little Things That Have Helped

These are some non-IEP things that I'd like to keep track of for next school year. It's the kind of thing that's easily forgotten.

* Having a 1:1 with one of the adults on his team early Monday morning. For a while he met with the social worker, now he has an OT session. While the social work sessions aren't his favorite, since he has to talk about his feelings before he gets to play with the toys, it helped him get emotionally organized for the week. And he loves his OT this year, so having their session to look forward to -- and spending that time with someone really focusing on him and his ideas -- helped him get his week off to a good start.

* At his desk, a written schedule of his pullout sessions. This was a huge help in reducing his outbursts in the classroom when a therapist would come in to take another child and DB would be disappointed that it was not his turn.

* At home, a written list of the "specials" for each day of the week. These were everything from his social-skills pullout and therapy sessions to art, music, and gym. He doesn't look at it every day but on those days when he wants to know, it's really helpful.

* Rubber-bandy thing across the front legs of his chair. I don't know anything about this but have noticed it on his chair. I imagine he fidgets with it and also gets some leg-muscle movement while sitting at his desk. (Hmm, maybe if I do it at home he'll stop rocking back in the chair?)

* Since this year's matron did not allow eating on the bus (which is entirely in her right to do), having the option to eat breakfast in the classroom.

* His "Get Out of Breakfast Free" card so that on the days he eats breakfast at home, he controls whether he eats again.

* Water at his desk all day. Actually I think this IS on his IEP.

* Written directions for how to clean his desk. Plus his "condo" -- a box next to his desk -- that holds all the various flotsam like toys and prizes and important rocks from the playground.

Once second grade begins, I'd like to ask the teachers if a laminated list of how to unpack/pack his backpack might be in order. Most everything gets done most of the time, but I figure each year the teachers do less and less of the packing-up of folders (and less prompting), right? And already this year, I've seen the same 4-6 books come home night after night; he knows he's supposed to bring books from his "book baggie" home, he simply doesn't do that extra thought-step of replacing or removing the ones he's already read.

Vacation vs. Practice: Vacation Wins!

Monday was a last-minute concert by the first grade. (Whose bright idea was that? Is there no end to the torture?) The idea was to celebrate the end of the year, so there was the short concert and then families and first graders could adjourn to the cafeteria (was supposed to be outside but rain threatened) for snacks.

It was not optional like the evening concert was for DB.

But. We were gone last week. So DB missed the practice. The previous week, when his school team found out we'd be gone, they tried valiantly to convince us he really, really should come to school on Wednesday for the practice, if Grandma and BonePa would bring him, partly for the practice and partly just so he wouldn't miss a whole week of school. We didn't think it seemed so swell to make him come to school for his most-hated thing of all -- concert practice -- even if he was going to be able to stay for the part of the day he likes most, which is recess.

We left it in the hands of the grands. They seemed interested in driving him in, but when the day came, Grandma said, "He cried! I can't take him somewhere that makes him cry!" So they stayed home.

And you know what? He had a great week, and he did great at the concert! He stood as still as any 6-year-old, for all 4 songs. He didn't yell at the camera flashes like he did at the winter concert. He walked offstage once (he was front row, side) but came right back. Turns out the social worker was in the wings in case he needed her; seems as though he tried it out, then was able to return.

Did he sing? Nope. Lip synch? Nope. Do I care? Nope! I'm thrilled he was able to do what he did.

I'm also thrilled that he's taller than the 4 little front-row girls he was standing next to. Next year the team might need a Plan B; for this event, having him stand on the floor (not the riser) worked, but next year he may be too tall. Maybe they can put more kids on that floor-row with him...

Whatever. For now, a big success, hooray!

Playing With Other Kids

DuckyBoy spent last week at Grandma's on Long Island, visiting lots of playgrounds. While we were on vacation in Cozumel, he was playing with a new kid, or two or three, almost every day.

When we picked him up on Sunday, Grandma proudly told us story after story about how nicely he asked to play with, then played with, the other kids he met. He asked politely, he shared (after day 1, when Grandma had to send him to his room because he wouldn't share... after that, he got it!), he took turns, it was a string of great social successes. With similar-age peers.

That made us feel good!

By contrast:

Today when I picked him up from school, we left the playground almost immediately when he had a meltdown. (That's its own story.) In the car on the way home, I remembered his successes from the previous week and asked him, "Is it easier to play with kids you know or kids you don't know?"

His immediate answer, not surprisingly, was "Kids I don't know." Then he started to spiral down into saying that the kids he knows never let him choose what to play, on and on. Which I know isn't entirely true, so I asked, "Even at recess?"

And he was quiet, so I suggested, "Maybe it's because the kids who are at the playground after school are different than the kids in the yard at recess?"

And he agreed. He does play more with the girls at lunch -- and more often, it's boys who go to the playground on Wednesdays.

There's something there.

It's the same or similar to the reason he didn't want to go to gymnastics anymore -- being with too many kids he knew was one of his main reasons for wanting to quit.

I think kids he knows have expectations of him -- that he'll recognize them, talk to them, remember things about them or previous conversations or experiences they've had. It's a lot of pressure for him to conjure up those memories -- some of which he may truly not have. He's much more interested in whatever is at hand -- the imaginary play, the tumbling, the game.

So, what do I do with this information?

Math Homework

DuckyBoy was doing his math homework last night with his dad when I heard what sounded like guesses of random numbers: "15? 45? 9?"

Husband said something to the effect of "No, try to figure it out," to which DB replied, "But I'm brainstorming!"

To his credit, Husband simply said, "You can't do that, you have to calculate."

To my credit, I didn't bust out laughing.

Saying Mean Things

This is more about autism and city life since it's about the playground. It also could be apropos for my blog instead of here since my feelings are in it too.

DB wants to play with other kids but also wants to impose an ever-increasing, and advantageous-to-him, series of rules. Like, halfway through a race, he'll change the finish line ... to be whatever he's closest to.

He also ignores people who speak to him when he has something else on his mind (in favor of the preferred topic), and -- today's topic -- says not-nice things to kids who approach him that he doesn't want to play with.

Another child was trailing him around the playground after school today, not really bothering him, I think occasionally making overtures to play or ask him something. Very nice polite overtures, if I know the other child's style at all.

Now, DB has trouble saying "So What," so of course this is a terrible thing that someone he does not want to play with at the moment is actually trying to interact with him, so he said things like "Go away!" and "Stop following me around!"

When he says these things within range of me, I tell him to knock it off, not say those things, be polite, apologize, suggest nicer things to say. When he does them while careening around the playground on his scooter, I make a mental note to talk to him later, and I do.

Which clearly is having NO effect.

To the point where the mom of this other child was clearly p-o'd with me today, not only suggesting that I speak to DB but also putting me on notice that this is not the first time this has happened.

I thought that last bit was a little uncalled for, since not only did I agree with her and make it clear I'd noticed and did not like DB's behavior but also, well, I'll just say she is someone I thought had some understanding of kids on the spectrum.

I wonder if he's been doing it constantly and just out of earshot? We're only there together twice a week. She probably feels that since it happened a while back and we discussed it civilly then, the problem should be fixed by now.

Hey, I don't know what to tell her. Teach her son to say "Well, f&%#u, a#*2*%!" to DB and walk away? Unfortunately it would go over DB's head. But at least the other kid would have a coping mechanism.

We may have to start leaving the park as soon as he says anything impolite to anybody. I'm embarrassed and angry and hurt, too, so on the one hand I'm prone to go directly to a zero-tolerance policy. On the other hand I'm paralyzed by fear of making a mistake in my own life and I don't want that to happen to DB.

I'm sure as heck not going to go out of my way to pick him up so this can happen.

Twin Day Success

My subterfuge of putting DB in the same shirt that I know a couple of his classmates also have, seemed to work. DB came home yesterday pleased that his classmate was his twin. "We're friends sometimes now," he said, or something like that.

When I saw them today, that friend tattled a bit on DB, though I try not to take a side since I never quite feel I know the story. "DB called me "Danger," says the classmate. "He always calls me that! You should talk to him!" And, something about how DB and another friend seem to be possessive about a certain tree on the playground, calling it theirs and telling this guy he can't do whatever it is first-graders do around trees.

Whether it's a classmate telling on DB or vice versa, I usually tell them to tell a teacher when it happens. I may be an involved parent but the last thing I want to get involved in is garden-variety playground politics, if I can help it.